One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
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My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Finally, a door that understands me
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Thaw me like one of your french fries
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.