One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
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also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
This is amazing.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨