One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.