One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Saturday
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”