One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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A short story about romance.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”