One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*