One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me when my alarm goes off
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids