One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“OMGJK” -atheists
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Midwest trash talk
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it