One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
A roof is a house hat.
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.