One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
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my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please