One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.