One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
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[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.