Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

[Home Depot]

Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.

Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?

Me: No. It worked great

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.