One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
You Might Also Like
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence