Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government