Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

when dads have a rap battle

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!