Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]