Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.

His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”

#FreeRocky

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?