One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Mistakes were made
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy