One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
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I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room