Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

wait.

If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.