One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
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You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
😂🖐️
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.