One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
You Might Also Like
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Same post same
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids