One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
dam girl
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Hot Hot Hot
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Cucumbers Anonymous
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels