Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.

No weirdos.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Stop making fast and furious movies.

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”