One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.