@SteveKerr

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

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@thenoahkinsey

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

@roxiqt

Marvel: “Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history.”

Me:

@SaraMansford

My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.

@TwinSurvivalist

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@iGreenGod

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

@1evilidiot

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

@SamuelHLowe

Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.

@Brampersandon_

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor