As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*point rescued by Liam Neeson
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I had no idea she was allergic to rat poison your honor