One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.


Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back


Marvel: “Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history.”



My kid just put on an apron and made homemade brownies so forget the world, I’m not even the best mom in my house anymore.


My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.


One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.


I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?


A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?


Shout out to the creepy guy sitting in your bedroom chair who turns into clothes as soon as you turn on the lights.


JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor