One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
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“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
This is me 🤣🤣
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Squirrels before girls.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.