one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
So we got a goldfish…
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”