one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.