one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
😂🤣😂🤣
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet