one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
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¯_(ツ)_/¯
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,