one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
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If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.