one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
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Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.