one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
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GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.