one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
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Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Greeting humans vs their dogs
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?