One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me driving through Toronto
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
greetings!
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL