Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Try and stop me.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.