One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
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I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
TODAY
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already