Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!

Chocolate Cake: …..

Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.