Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

Y’all know who you are.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.