Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.

Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.