One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
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Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili