Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

your elf on the shelf was delicious

me and the Superbowl rn

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

I have taken up painting

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick