One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
You Might Also Like
Free him
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic