One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*


I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.


If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.


I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.


Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!


New Parent Idea:
1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest.
2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he’s 10.


gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake


Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will