One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
emergency phone
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you