One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.