One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.