One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
You Might Also Like
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep