One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
