One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
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Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride