Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

[After Big Jewel Heist]

“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”

ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

She might be a genius

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing