One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
You Might Also Like
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Well, this is awkward
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it