One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.