One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
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Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
My Guy
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.