Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”

*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.

me: [picking my nose]

surgeon: great choice

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.

wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter

me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?