One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!