One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion