Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

[watching Joker]

Joker: ha-

me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now

Joker: -ha

Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.