Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

🇺🇸🤭

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.