Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

Windows

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.

…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

This is a bad sign

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.