Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him