One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!