One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
😼🖥️
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships