Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.