One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
mathematically impossible
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.