One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
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My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
They got a point!
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself