Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

fr

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

*Does something bad*

Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.