One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
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linkedin the good parts
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.