I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
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Who called it cremation and not ashashination
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.