One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
i think we should see other cousins
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.