One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*