One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
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I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Life with a cat in one tweet