One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
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I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.