Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Math at Halloween.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.